Vajazzling is SO 2009. What you need is a vattoo—and don’t forget your vajacial!

vajacial

Oh, beauty industry. Sometimes I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. You know how creams, lotions, serums, treatments and spa services for Every Imaginable Body Part have pretty much exploded in the past few years? (I always say that if I actually used all the random products out there—like my lip exfoliator, cellulite serum or eyelash conditioner—it would take me at least five hours to even leave the house in the morning.)

Well, clearly the beauty marketers have realized that they were missing one important area in the quest to dominate our bathrooms: our private parts. And I’m not talking about waxing, trimming or shaving away random bikini line strays (although more on that in a second).

I’m talking about vajazzling, which is apparently on the wane, thank God—but only to be replaced by the vattoo.

Oh yes. (Tip: Please don’t do a Google Image Search for vajazzling. Trust me on this one.)

But let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Because before all of these vajayjay decorators came on the market, there was Betty Beauty: Pubic Hair Dye.

betty Vajazzling is SO 2009. What you need is a vattoo—and dont forget your vajacial!

I remember getting sent a sample of this back in, oh, 2005 I think, at the magazine where I worked. Needless to say, it was one product I did NOT test drive. (I have enough issues with putting hair dye on my scalp without having it in that area, thank you.) Although I can see it being useful if your drapes didn’t match the carpet, so to speak—or if you were going prematurely gray down there. You could choose from Black, Auburn, Brown, Blonde, “Fun” (hot pink), “Malibu” (aqua blue) or “Sexy” (lilac) Betty.

Anyway, that was sort of around the time that Brazilians really became mainstream here. (I know it happened earlier in New York. Remember all those articles about the J. Sisters?) So for a while there, lots of ladies were going completely bare, thus eliminating the usefulness of such a product… Therefore making it only a matter of time before someone thought up the idea of vajazzling instead.

Va-what?

Okay, you know about the Bedazzler, right?

Bedazzler Vajazzling is SO 2009. What you need is a vattoo—and dont forget your vajacial!

No lie: A few years ago, the cheeky PR team at Benefit Cosmetics gave Bedazzlers to all the beauty editors, and it remains one of the Best. Christmas. Presents. EVAH! (Yay arts and crafts!)

Now, I just hope that whatever “tool” they’re using to affix these sequins, crystals, etc. to ladies’ private parts is less scary. (I am afraid to Google Image Search that one…sorry.)

You may have heard about Jennifer Love Hewitt talking up her post-breakup vajazzle job on Mario Lopez back in January:

Because I would like to keep this site G-rated, I won’t post an actual photo of what a vajazzled vajayjay looks like… but I think you get the idea.

And besides, I’m now hearing that the vattoo is the new thing.

vattoo Vajazzling is SO 2009. What you need is a vattoo—and dont forget your vajacial!

Perhaps the trend was inspired by the temporary tatts made cool earlier this year by Chanel (and now Hard Candy—theirs are REALLY close dupes to Chanel’s and available at Walmart!). I suppose you could easily just DIY, but a handful of salons in the U.S. are actually offering the service. It starts with a Brazilian wax and then they paint on a temporary tatt in the colour(s) and pattern of your choice. It’s supposed to last up to 10 days without the cracked look that the sticker-type ones tend to develop.

And then, of course, to MAINTAIN your vattoo’d lady, there’s also the vajacial.

peach smoothie Vajazzling is SO 2009. What you need is a vattoo—and dont forget your vajacial!

Yes—it’s just like a regular facial, except it’s… down there. Yesterday, I posted a link on Facebook and Twitter to this excellent “review” of the treatment. All I can say is that I feel sorry for the estheticians. (And as my friend J. pointed out, it’s unbelievable that they actually have a cream for “hyperpigmentation and discolouration.” Indeed, we have heard it all now.

Is there anyone left in the world who grooms their lady parts with a simple razor?

Although even razors are getting more fancy these days. Check out this vid from Ali over at ChickAdvisor, who asked some peeps at Toronto Fashion Week what they thought of the Schick Quattro TrimStyle—and what they do for their OWN below-the-belt grooming:

(You can check out more ChickAdvisor vids from Toronto Fashion Week here.)

I’ve actually tried this razor for a magazine article I wrote for FLARE this fall—it’s dual-ended with both a razor and a trimmer—and it’s definitely pretty cool.

schick quattro trimstyle Vajazzling is SO 2009. What you need is a vattoo—and dont forget your vajacial!

But can it compete with vajazzlers and vattoos and vajacials? That is the question.

Tell me, ladies:

What do YOU do for your below-the-belt grooming?
What’s your shape of choice: a traditional triangle, landing strip, completely bare… or something else?
Have you / would you ever vajazzle, vajacial or vattoo?

17 Comments

Shaylee
Tuesday, November 16/2010 at 1:19 pm

I don’t even know what to say to this! I read the whole “facial” review and couldn’t help but laugh out loud! haha This seems a bit much, I won’t be going there! Good old shaving/waxing will suit me fine! haha

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Comment Avatar Michelle Villett
Tuesday, November 16/2010 at 11:19 pm

I know! If a magazine assigned me that story I think I’d have to turn it down. Definitely do not want.

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Eli aka Negra Cabreada
Tuesday, November 16/2010 at 2:04 pm

I’m single and I never get to see my V-jayjay (26 yrs together and we’ve never met face to face, sigh…), so I think I’ll pass on this…But this is pretty funny stuff, I must admit

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Comment Avatar Michelle Villett
Tuesday, November 16/2010 at 11:21 pm

Oh but Jennifer Love Hewitt says she did it for herself, post-breakup! (Yeah… I don’t get it either.)

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Lindsay
Tuesday, November 16/2010 at 4:31 pm

wow! im only 25 now, and still was never one to even buy into the brazillian (don’t get me started, could go for hours on that one…bit pedophilia-ish????)

this is all a bit ridiculous for me :P so to answer your question- YES there still are some of us out here who still groom with a simple razor! :) and no, i would never try any of the above! haha- good luck to those brave souls!

However, i still blame porn for the start of this whole lady-parts grooming regime craziness, anyone with me??

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Comment Avatar Michelle Villett
Tuesday, November 16/2010 at 11:30 pm

I am SO with you Lindsay! It’s no coincidence that Brazilians became a trend at the same time that p*rn took over the internet. I mean, I’m all for keeping things neat and tidy, but it bugs me for Brazilians to be the new “normal”. Definitely pedo overtures there.

Did you read that Gawker story about the guy who tried to score with Christine O’Donnell (who ran for US Senate) but said the fact that she didn’t wax was “a big turnoff and he lost interest”. I don’t know… to me there’s just something wimpy and metrosexual about a guy needing his woman to be completely hairless in order to be turned on. God help us all!

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Angela
Wednesday, November 17/2010 at 1:05 pm

In undergrad my friend wrote a paper about how waxing and hair removal is just a mechanism to revert us back to our prepubescent selves. Don’t dwell on that one too long, it will def give you a maja case of the heebeejeebees.

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Ena
Tuesday, November 16/2010 at 7:01 pm

I think it´s interesting but would you imagine a rash? or your skin maybe can get stressed for that… dunno :) I think it looks nice hahaha!!!

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Comment Avatar Michelle Villett
Tuesday, November 16/2010 at 11:31 pm

Yeah I can only imagine the skin issues you’d have with vajazzling and vattoos. I guess that’s why they had to go and invent the vajacial!!! ugh.

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Chelsea
Wednesday, November 17/2010 at 12:50 am

I have done the Brazilian a few times, but it was more for my husband than myself. Something different. However, I felt literally naked down there. The French bikini is more my thing. Being a busy mom of 3 all I have time to do before the kids come barging into the bathroom is a bit of trimming and a few tweezes. No razor down there though. It is less painful to keep up with the waxing and not shave in between (no matter how tempted you are, just tweeze those strays or do a bit of a home job with store bought wax). There will always be an an ouch factor to waxing (some say to take aspirin beforehand). My suggestion to newbies who are going for a professional wax is to take your MP3 player. I find that the spa music is too relaxing for such a private and uncomfortable procedure. Save the spa music for the facial and massage.

p.s. I needed to know what the heck was vajazzling. Only in Hollywood!

http://www.vajazzling.com/content/what-vajazzling

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Comment Avatar Michelle Villett
Thursday, November 18/2010 at 5:20 pm

Oh my God, there’s an entire website devoted to vajazzling? Good grief!

I agree with you about the French bikini instead of a full-blown Brazilian. I just wish I was more skilled with at-home waxing because the salon visits get so expensive… I’ve tried so many times to DIY and never had success!

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Carrie
Wednesday, November 17/2010 at 4:52 pm

HAHAHA my only question for vajazzling: aren’t you worried those precious little jewels are going to shift during your ‘tinkle time’ and get flushed away?? or what about wearing jeans? if these things don’t rub off, what’s holding them on? Superglue?!??!

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Chelsea
Wednesday, November 17/2010 at 10:16 pm

You are almost right. It is superglue for the body. I don’t think it would be very comfortable or hygienic either. And if you wear jeans, even the most comfiest of jeans, there is always a little bit of friction going on. And that can’t feel good either. And whats the point of vajazzling if you have to wear comfortable clothing (and usually comfortable clothing is not very sexy and isn’t sex appeal the reason why these people are vajazzling? No wait, its to reclaim something…..WHAT THE….CONFIDENCE?!! SOMETHING TO DO AFTER A BREAK-UP?!! What ever happened to having a glass of wine with a girlfriend and talking about the guy?) And a thought just occurred to me. How nice can a vajazzled vajayjay look when the hair starts to grow back. I bet maintenance and upkeep is an issue…….Only in Hollywood.

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Comment Avatar Michelle Villett
Thursday, November 18/2010 at 5:23 pm

Good point! I don’t even want to know what it looks like after a few days of wearing tight jeans or undies, which would have to be irritating… or when the hair grows out and you get stubble. Ewwwww!

Perhaps that’s why vajazzling is on the wane and replaced by the vattoo. (And the vajacial is necessary for maintenance.)

All so ridiculous it makes my head hurt!

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scottsdale plastic surgery
Wednesday, November 17/2010 at 8:52 pm

Oh dear so we have to shave the forest and plant diamonds and vattoos.

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Jane
Thursday, November 18/2010 at 4:38 pm

From the post title all the way I LOL’d! Too much, thank you for brightening my day! Love it.

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Comment Avatar Michelle Villett
Thursday, November 18/2010 at 5:23 pm

Glad you enjoyed! I take it you won’t be trying these “trends” anytime soon, yes? :-)

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