Oh, beauty industry. Sometimes I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. You know how creams, lotions, serums, treatments and spa services for Every Imaginable Body Part have pretty much exploded in the past few years? (I always say that if I actually used all the random products out there—like my lip exfoliator, cellulite serum or eyelash conditioner—it would take me at least five hours to even leave the house in the morning.)
Well, clearly the beauty marketers have realized that they were missing one important area in the quest to dominate our bathrooms: our private parts. And I’m not talking about waxing, trimming or shaving away random bikini line strays (although more on that in a second).
I’m talking about vajazzling, which is apparently on the wane, thank God—but only to be replaced by the vattoo.
Oh yes. (Tip: Please don’t do a Google Image Search for vajazzling. Trust me on this one.)
But let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Because before all of these vajayjay decorators came on the market, there was Betty Beauty: Pubic Hair Dye.
I remember getting sent a sample of this back in, oh, 2005 I think, at the magazine where I worked. Needless to say, it was one product I did NOT test drive. (I have enough issues with putting hair dye on my scalp without having it in that area, thank you.) Although I can see it being useful if your drapes didn’t match the carpet, so to speak—or if you were going prematurely gray down there. You could choose from Black, Auburn, Brown, Blonde, “Fun” (hot pink), “Malibu” (aqua blue) or “Sexy” (lilac) Betty.
Anyway, that was sort of around the time that Brazilians really became mainstream here. (I know it happened earlier in New York. Remember all those articles about the J. Sisters?) So for a while there, lots of ladies were going completely bare, thus eliminating the usefulness of such a product… Therefore making it only a matter of time before someone thought up the idea of vajazzling instead.
Okay, you know about the Bedazzler, right?
No lie: A few years ago, the cheeky PR team at Benefit Cosmetics gave Bedazzlers to all the beauty editors, and it remains one of the Best. Christmas. Presents. EVAH! (Yay arts and crafts!)
Now, I just hope that whatever “tool” they’re using to affix these sequins, crystals, etc. to ladies’ private parts is less scary. (I am afraid to Google Image Search that one…sorry.)
You may have heard about Jennifer Love Hewitt talking up her post-breakup vajazzle job on Mario Lopez back in January:
Because I would like to keep this site G-rated, I won’t post an actual photo of what a vajazzled vajayjay looks like… but I think you get the idea.
And besides, I’m now hearing that the vattoo is the new thing.
Perhaps the trend was inspired by the temporary tatts made cool earlier this year by Chanel (and now Hard Candy—theirs are REALLY close dupes to Chanel’s and available at Walmart!). I suppose you could easily just DIY, but a handful of salons in the U.S. are actually offering the service. It starts with a Brazilian wax and then they paint on a temporary tatt in the colour(s) and pattern of your choice. It’s supposed to last up to 10 days without the cracked look that the sticker-type ones tend to develop.
And then, of course, to MAINTAIN your vattoo’d lady, there’s also the vajacial.
Yes—it’s just like a regular facial, except it’s… down there. Yesterday, I posted a link on Facebook and Twitter to this excellent “review” of the treatment. All I can say is that I feel sorry for the estheticians. (And as my friend J. pointed out, it’s unbelievable that they actually have a cream for “hyperpigmentation and discolouration.” Indeed, we have heard it all now.
Is there anyone left in the world who grooms their lady parts with a simple razor?
Although even razors are getting more fancy these days. Check out this vid from Ali over at ChickAdvisor, who asked some peeps at Toronto Fashion Week what they thought of the Schick Quattro TrimStyle—and what they do for their OWN below-the-belt grooming:
(You can check out more ChickAdvisor vids from Toronto Fashion Week here.)
I’ve actually tried this razor for a magazine article I wrote for FLARE this fall—it’s dual-ended with both a razor and a trimmer—and it’s definitely pretty cool.
But can it compete with vajazzlers and vattoos and vajacials? That is the question.
Tell me, ladies:
What do YOU do for your below-the-belt grooming?
What’s your shape of choice: a traditional triangle, landing strip, completely bare… or something else?
Have you / would you ever vajazzle, vajacial or vattoo?