Why are Celebrities Trying to Look Like They Belong at the Playboy Mansion?

They're emulating Hugh Hefner's harem, and I don't like it.
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Michelle Villett
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They're emulating Hugh Hefner's harem, and I don't like it.
Christina-Aguilera-Burlesque-Madrid

If I could stage beauty interventions—which would be a wonderful, wonderful thing (can you imagine how FUN that'd be?)—Miss Christina "I've Just Filed for a Divorce" Aguilera would be my very first "project."

I mention the divorce thing because breakups do crazy things to our beauty routines, as I'm sure you're well aware. Hey—at least she has a good excuse. (Did she look so drag queeny before? I don't think so, right?) Anyway, whichever way you slice and dice it, her hair and makeup are an unmitigated disaster and I wish to attack her with baby wipes, scissors and a box of hair dye immediately.

Unfortunately, Christina isn't the only celeb who has fallen victim to the Playboy mansion notion of beauty. (You know: makeup applied with a trowel; platinum blonde hair extensions, etc.)

This has been Paris Hilton's schtick for YEARS.

Paris-Hilton-MTV-Movie-Awards-2010

The problem is that she hasn't changed her look much (except to add breast implants) since 2004, the year when the bimbo look was arguably in its heyday.

These days, the paps—and the general public—care a lot less about Paris than they used to, and I have to wonder if not evolving her look had something to do with it. Paris, we've left you in the early '00s with other embarrassing trends like low-rise jeans with thong underwear peeking out.

My last case study (although there are heaps more) is Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay-Lohan-MTV-Movie-Awards-2010

This one makes me the saddest of all, because I think Lindsay—if only she'd conquer her demons—has that elusive "it" quality that most actresses wish they had. It's a real shame she traded her red hair for blonde (hopefully Emma Stone has better luck), got waaay too into tanning and lip injections... and of course we all know that drugs and alcohol do really bad things to your skin.

Now, just thinking about these three ladies, you may notice a theme here.

There seems to be an inverse relationship between the colour of your hair and the success of your career.

As in: the more your career tanks, the lighter and more platinum these celebs are tempted to dye it. Probably you know someone in real life who does this too, right? I totally get the blonderexia disease, but doing this is like putting a great big sign on your forehead saying "I Think the Best Years of My Life Are Behind Me."

The other thing that perplexes me is that these people have stylists and makeup artists and hairdressers who let them walk out the door this way.

I mean, just going back to the title of this post, NEVER BEFORE has beauty been less about what these peeps are doing.

Instead, it is about:

SKIN—REAL, DEWY, RADIANT, NATURAL SKIN.

Natalie-Portman

Natalie Portman (who, like I was saying the other day, rarely does ANYTHING wrong when it comes to beauty) is a perfect example of what skin should look like. Not the wax statue look that these fallen celebs are so attached to. (And I'm thinking Carrie Underwood is a borderline offender here, despite her new gig with Olay.) Nope, right now—and for the foreseeable future—it's about wearing very sheer foundations with a bit of sheen and dewiness, and letting your natural skin texture show through. You only want the heavy coverage on blemishes or discolourations—not all over your face.

LIPSTICK, YES, BUT *ONLY* LIPSTICK.

Kate-Bosworth-red-lipstick-2010

Not lipstick and heavy brown blush and layers and layers of eye makeup (Christina? Ahem). Kate Bosworththe great wearer of eyeshadow—is also a great wearer of lipstick. This, peoples, with barely any other makeup, is how it is done. And yes, the same thing goes for emphasizing the eyeshadow n' lashes. If you do that, you obviously want to go more nude on the lips (see: Natalie Portman, above).

AND HAIR MUST BE, ABOVE ALL, RICH AND SHINY AND PROBABLY MORE ON THE BROWN SIDE THAN BLONDE.

Denise-Richards-brown-hair

This is perhaps the most significant movement of all away from the early '00s bleached blonde thing. I mean, if Denise Richards has just gone brunette, you know change is afoot. (I missed her in my radical hair colour change post the other day, but I think I approve of this, as it's still very warm and not that cool, dull brown that Cameron Diaz used to have.)

Anyway, extensions are OUT (unless they are very, very well done in colour, shape and length). Ombré (instead of visible, high-contrast highlights) is obviously IN. And colour, in a word, is BROWNER and RICHER. And I mean richer as in warmth and also as in your hair should look expensive.

So...

What do you think about the beauty transgressions of Xtina, Paris and LiLo? Bad, right?
Have you ever gone too far with makeup or blonding your hair—or do you know someone who does?
Are you happy to see makeup getting more natural and hair getting more brown?