And now for the celebs who could use a little beauty help. Either because, best-case scenario, they bored me OR, sadly, because their hair and makeup offended me on some level. (Just kidding! The only thing that offended me was Lea Michele’s faux tears. Watch the gif here. Seriously, Lea? COME ON.)
In case you missed it, here’s my rundown of this year’s Golden Globes beauty wins. (See? I can be nice.) But I just can’t lie to you about how I feel re: these looks.
Let’s start with the Not Bad, But Still Boring ones first. Zzzzzzz…
BEST (WORST?) RETURN TO THE 90S: Halle Berry
I’m not gonna front—Halle is drop dead gorge from head to toe, and she always looks GOOD.
But hot damn, this doesn’t look at all different from the Halle we knew in the 1990s. Which is a good thing when it comes to your face (if Halle, 43, has had work done, it does not show). But a bad thing when it comes to your style… and I’m sorry, but I’m no longer feeling this hair. Possibly I’ve been influenced by the dress as well.
Someone remind me—did she cut it off again after she broke up with her baby poppa? She *always* cuts it… whereas I think she looks best when it’s shoulder-length. Ah well, when you’re as hot as Halle, I suppose it doesn’t really matter how long your hair is.
MOST IN NEED OF A BRIGHT LIP: Sofia Vergara
I love Sofia, but there’s something about this that looks like she got ready in 10 minutes. The hair… seems unfinished somehow, like her stylist didn’t have time to do proper curls and maybe ran out of hairspray.
But most of all I yearn to see her with a different lip. This looks like M.A.C Twig or some other relic of the ’90s (sensing a theme here, anyone?). I would love it if she did something more exciting, maybe a tangerine gloss or a Portman-esque fuchsia… just SOMETHING.
MOST BORING HAIR: Claire Danes
When I say “not bad, but boring,” Claire pretty much defines what I mean. The face is okay, sure, even cute—and her lashes don’t look as tripped out as usual. But I’m not sure that I understand what is supposed to be happening with this hair. Is it just me or is it sort of dated, especially with that dress? (I do love the hot pink though.)
I think the problem is that Claire just is NOT sexy. She can’t do it. And that’s fine, but… she might consider at least TRYING to play against type, like she did at the Emmys. That bombshell hair was, in my opinion, one of her best looks.
MOST UNDERWHELMING: Angelina Jolie
You know what I think? I think Angelina Jolie has no style. She’s been fooling us for a long time, because she usually wears black, but I’ve been noticing lately that her true self is surfacing here and there. Including some issues with hair.
This is not good, not when you are one half of The Brange and are therefore expected to BRING IT on the red carpet. I know, she’s got like 27 kids to look after, but still. I want to be wowed and I am not wowed by limp, sort of flyaway hair with bangs that have been curled off to the side since they’re growing out. A disappointment.
LEAST UNDERSTOOD BROWS: Lea Michele
I really debated whether to put Lea on my best list or on this one. Unfortunately for her, the boring won out and here she is. (Although not beauty-related, the clincher was probably the fake tears I mentioned above, and also just the fact that I find her sort of fakey fakey and annoying in general. She is the very definition of Triple Threat—one reason I don’t watch Glee.)
Anyway! There isn’t really anything offensive OR exciting about this look, but I cannot proceed without pausing on the subject of her eyebrows. There is something… off. I first noticed this the other day when I was browsing an old issue (October 2010) of Glamour, on whose cover she appears. If you have it, please dig out and study, because there is something about the upper part of the brows that will bug you. They’ve been obviously trimmed, and it’s weird, although I suppose the alternative would be crazy, unruly brows and that would be worse. I have to think about this.
And now for the Minor Beauty Infractions. Again, none of these ladies look terrible by any stretch of the imagination, but things could definitely be better with a few tweaks…
MOST IN NEED OF AN UPDO: Christina Hendricks
So, so sad to see my girl Christina attempting to pull off THIS dress with THAT hair.
It does not work. As much as I love the hair itself—it’s kind of Marc Jacobs S/S ’11—it fights with the dramatic ruffles on the dress. I can’t understand why she didn’t do the updo, an obvious choice.
Still, high-five for wearing a red dress with red hair AND a red lip. Slow clap.
WEIRDEST HAIR: Scarlett Johansson
Some pundits liked this one; I did not. Looked fine from the front, but the side view is strangely windblown, like she got attacked by a Flowbee. I’m sure it took a great deal of hair skillz to achieve, but: why? Why not a simple chignon? (Note that I did not suggest a French twist.)
Also? Isn’t it great that even perfect ScarJo gets the odd zit?
MOST OFFENSIVE USE OF SHIMMER: Leighton Meester
You know I adore Leighton, but I cannot abide by this shimmer infraction, especially when I just blogged about how very wrong it is. You might not think it’s so offensive from this photo, but trust me—I shrunk it down from five times the size, and there is shimmer, shimmer everywhere.
Also feeling pretty meh about the hair.
And that brings me to the best part—and by that I mean the WORST parts, beauty-wise, of the night. Behold, the celebs I wish to make over, stat!
WORST BANGS: Sandra Bullock
Are you with me on this one? I think: WAY, WAY too heavy and although I have an irrational fear of too-short bangs, these ones are actually just a sliver too long as well. We can’t see your pretty eyes, Sandy!
The hair texture also appears a bit wig-like, if I’m being perfectly honest. Such a shame, because I love bangs and I love Sandra, and it would’ve been nice to see this work. Let’s hope this IS a wig, or her hairdresser will have some challenges for the Oscars.
MOST WAXEN FACE: Eva Longoria Parker
I know we don’t really care about Eva (sorry, but we don’t), but still—she looks kind of sad here, no? Poor Eva.
What’s making ME sad, however, is the waxy texture of her face. Besides that, her lips just blend right in… and here we go with that French twist again, which was worn so much better by Natalie, Mila and Emma. No cigar, Eva.
MOST INDESTRUCTABLE HAIR: Milla Jovovich
This hair looks so stiff, I just can’t even. I love side-swept hairdos so much and this is basically a crime against them. Way too much hairspray and not enough movement—it’s not about having waves this controlled and perfect. Penelope Cruz, at last year’s SAG awards, is the one to emulate if you’re trying to achieve this style. Otherwise, Milla, see January Jones for how retro-style hair is done.
WORST APPLICATION OF HIGHLIGHTER: Jennifer Lopez
Even though Carmindy recommends it, I’ve started railing against the application of white highlighter under the eyebrows, because I just think it looks very dated now. And to demonstrate my point, La Lopez is maybe the best (worst) example I’ve seen. Now do you agree with me?
There are other beauty crimes to mention here, too, such as the draw-on eyebrows, and dead eyes, and a scrunchie-like thing holding her hair back which you can’t see. Most of all there’s something mannish developing with her face though… I’m scared.
WORST TATT: Megan Fox
I’m going to come right out and say it: I have a problem with tattoos. Especially very conspicuous tattoos like the one hanging out on Megan Fox’s shoulder blade. I know they work for Angelina (sort of—you did notice she wore a long-sleeved dress, right?). But on Megan I think they only say (as I’ve said before): Poor Man’s Angelina Jolie. Yes? They are Klassy not Classy.
Otherwise, despite the surgeries, I think Megan looks pretty okay here. The softer makeup, fuller brows and improved facial expressions (they’re less come-hither) are a good thing.
MOST BLOATED FACE: Christina Aguilera
So it’s an improvement, a VAST improvement, over the last time we saw Christina. Yes, she still looks a bit drag queeny, but at least we’ve lost the brown blush and overdrawn eyebrows and mask-like foundation.
But something is still not right here, and I think it’s the bloat. I don’t know if it’s post-divorce weight gain or something more sinister, but Xtina does not look healthy.
WORST EYESHADOW: Julia Stiles
This just might be the worst eyeshadow application of all time. Just a big ol’ blob of taupe. No attempt at defining a crease or making the eyes smoky… it makes me sad. The makeup artist, in fact, must be of the Blake Lively school, where one applies eyeshadow from lash line right up to the brows. And speaking of Blake, we need some brow definition here too.
I don’t like the hair either—the whole thing comes across as too prissy, and it’s unfortunate because I think Julia makes great raw material.
MOST SEVERE UPDO: Kelly Osbourne
Looks like Kelly didn’t listen to me when I said that people with “harsh” features (like Kelly’s strong jawline) need to go soft, soft, soft with their hair and makeup. Especially hair.
Okay, she’s still blonde, which is a plus. But I think this updo is too geometric, too hard-looking, too ’80s. Shame, because she looked SO great when she did the cute hairband and curls and red lips.
WORST BUN: Jennifer Love Hewitt
Jennifer Love Hewitt lost me when she started going on about vajazzling. So perhaps I judge her updo here a bit too harshly… I can’t even really articulate why I don’t like this. I suppose it’s sort of prom-like, isn’t it?
However, it’s not even in the same stratosphere as our next star’s…
WORST TENDRILS: Carrie Underwood
You are not in Nashville, Carrie. Nor are you at the prom. This is the GOLDEN GLOBES. You are a multi-millionaire by now—and, I might add, married to a hunky and awesome (because he is Canadian) hockey player. And trust us, even HE does not like this hair. Please do us a favour and hire a new hairdresser—someone who knows their way around an updo.
Now, tell me how you guys feel…
What do you think was the biggest #beautyfail at the Globes? (I know… so very many to parse.)
Who disappointed you the most? For me it was Christina Hendricks… I always want her on my WIN list.
Is there anyone who deserves our praise for at least trying? I say Sandy B.