Let’s just start with this fact. In order to win big at the Fox Network’s Teen Choice Awards, you have to get votes from their viewers aged 13 to 19.
So by extension… would it be fair to hold that entire demographic accountable for what went down on the red carpet? Probably not, but I’m just going to run with that logic. Because based on most of these beauty looks, I’m a little concerned… if the youth are our future, then the future’s a bit scary.
I’m going to try something different today and go from worst to best! Diving right in…
Carly Rae Jepsen
The worst of the night? Oh yes. That is the degree to which I detest this wispy, layered haircut. What is it, 1997? It’s a modified Aniston for sure—just with bangs that make it look all mismatched and schizophrenic. Here’s a tip, Carly: keep the bangs but blunt that shiz out. Oh, and read why you should never listen to silly hairdressers who want to layer your hair.
Side note: I thought from her video that Carly was, like, 17 or something. I guess it’s her twee style of dress. Anyway, then I saw this pic and was kinda shocked, and had to Google. She’s 26. Is it just me or does she not look 26? Not to be an age-ist or anything, but someone needs to double up on the sunscreen.
Like Carrie Underwood, Demi Lovato belongs to the “lay it on thick so it looks like a mask” school of foundation. This is just Way.Too.Much. Of course, the overplucked tadpole (or sperm, take your pick) eyebrows and false lashes don’t help. And oh God, I haven’t even come to the ponytail yet. I’ll just stop.
Portia de Rossi
Ellen’s wife Portia recently chopped her hair off and I love this cut. If I were ever to go short (which won’t happen, but whatever) this is what I would choose. Where I have a problem is the ashy roots and the overly Botoxed brows. Plus, she looks too casual for going out for dinner—let alone an awards show!
Cat’s looking a bit rough here. Pretty sure she’s another one who is fudging her age (she says she’s 35 but I say no way). That said, aside from the one wonky eye, which isn’t her fault—hey, I have that too!—I can’t find anything specifically WRONG with this. I just feel like she could look better. Possibly it’s the hair colour, because lately I’ve become terribly anti-blonde and anti-highlights. Those bolder streaks near her face just seem very mid-’00s. I’d love to see her with something a few shades darker and more solid.
You know, normally I can sort of get into what Hayden does on the red carpet—or at least appreciate what she’s trying to do. But here, it’s like she’s taken a step back and went all Britney Spears or us or something. That means generic and not stylish, FYI. It’s mostly the hair, which is a bit too fake-looking in colour, and needs a root touch-up and a brush. Her skin, too, just has kind of a grey cast. I can’t quite put my finger on what is wrong, but something is off.
Or possibly I am just making up non-existent beauty issues after reading the craziest stuff on this girl at CrazyDaysandNights.net (my go-to gossip source). Honestly, it’s so disturbing it will curl your hair.
Above the neck? Fantastic. Gorgeous girl. Below? Well, I had to crop this pic a little lower than I normally do because Houston we have a problem. (And I’m not even a fashion person, so you know it must be big.) Basically I am confused. Where are her boobs? Are they really hanging that low? Because it looks like her cleavage is way too high for them to then reach all the way down to the band of her dress. Are you with me? I know Jordin just lost 50 pounds or something, which is amazing, but now she really needs the help of a stylist. And a bra.
And now we can return back to our regularly scheduled beauty programming.
Lea’s back at it again, posing so hard here. You know she practices this in front of the mirror! Anyway, she went for a very beachy look here, with tousled texture and some slight balayage action. I can kind of get into it but then it also sort of looks like she didn’t wash her hair. Plus, it could be a bad camera angle or the makeup but her skin texture’s not looking so hot.
She lightened her hair! Is this breakup hair? Because you know her and Justin have been on the rocks… and there is always that urge at the end of a relationship. (Usually, it’s to cut—but I think colour is much more advisable.) I prefer Selena as a dark brunette, so I can’t really support this, even though the way it’s been done is fine. I just get the sense that she’s trying so hard to be all seksi now and it doesn’t work for her. She’s forever in the cute lane. (Just like Reese Witherspoon, another one who always looks wrong to me when she tries for the seksi angle.)
Underwhelmed. Maybe it’s because I have such high expectations of The Zooey. I think it’s because you always see her with some special cute touch, like a hairband or a tiara or a bow. Her hair just loose like this is kinda blah. Although I do love how she does her eyeliner.
So bored of Taylor, but I can’t find anything too specific to really go on about here. In fact, I’m having a MAJOR peach moment—peach lip gloss, peach blush, peach clothing items—and so I actually appreciate the colour choice. Peach really IS underrated, you know? Pink gets all the attention but it’s peach that casts the most flattering glow on your complexion. Doesn’t Taylor’s skin look fantastic? Anyway… the rest of this is just the usual side-parted wavy hair/heavy eye makeup/zzzzzz. Move along, nothing to see, folks.
I love a good side braid—anytime, anywhere—and so I have to give Lucy some praise for doing something different here with this fishtail one. The texture is great, since it’s not too perfect, and I love that she left that piece hanging out at the front to frame her face. Girl has amazingly thick brows too. (Sob! I’ve been trying out a new eyebrow person and like clockwork, after doing an incredible job the first two times, she over-tweezed me on the third. Always happens. It’s like hairdressers who get scissor-happy. WHY???)
I love that Gwen found her beauty signatures early on (platinum blonde hair and red lips) and sticks to them. I also appreciate that she is religious about touching up her roots—I once heard that her colourist comes to her house every 10 days, and I believe it. Roots just would not go with the severity of her look. I love this lip colour, I love the swept-back hair, I love the enormous cat-eye sunglasses.
I wish I had a better pic of the eye makeup here, because it’s pretty cool—gold all the way around the eyes with the finest black in the waterlines and what looks like a few false lashes. Totally creative and totally great with the teal dress and gold earrings. Also notice the braiding going on in her hair. Someone put some thought into this, and it’s all working for me.
At first you might think this is boring. But you’d be wrong. Look more closely and you will see the most wonderful eyeliner execution. Medium-thick and perfectly swooped (is that a verb?) to accentuate her almond-shaped eyes. THIS is what I aspire to. I’m also digging the pinky-lavender lip, which makes an amazing contrast with her skin tone and dress. Well-played, Zoë—sometimes it’s the ones who don’t scream for your attention that are most worth noticing.
And here’s my top pick of the night! Like Zoë, Victoria has the most amazing eyeliner job… and I can’t stop admiring her eyebrows! (Yes, I’m in mourning.) Hair is long and loose with the top section softly pulled back. It’s these little touches—the eyeliner, the hair back—paired with everything else fairly simple that are the key, in my opinion. Like, you’re trying but not TOO hard. That’s my entire beauty philosophy in a nutshell, really.
So tell me:
Which celebs would you pick for the top beauty looks of the night?
Who needs to go home and try again?
Do these pics inspire you to try something new? Eyeliner? Red lipstick? PEACH??