Crazy/Beautiful The wackiest “beauty” products I’ve heard of lately: Are these things crazy… or genius?

Timo Weiland Spring 2012 The wackiest beauty products Ive heard of lately: Are these things crazy... or genius?

Some days I really, REALLY miss working on staff at a magazine. Because there is nobody to laugh with me when I receive the most ridiculous press releases about the most ridiculous products.

Honestly, it was one of my favourite pastimes from office life. You know, in between such activities as misting our faces every hour on the hour; being able to do full hair and makeup at any time thanks to a fully stocked beauty closet; attempting to solve Lainey Gossip blind items; and watching a 30-second version of Colin Farrell’s sex tape (widely circulated thanks to the lack of filters on our internet access). Good times! (Oh yeah, and we DID actually get work done as well. Lest I’ve given the, uh, wrong impression.)

But! Back to the subject of ridiculous beauty products. I’ve got four that are just too good not to share. At first you will laugh. And then… THEN you may wonder. Are these actually brilliant business ideas? You tell me.

Ta*ta*toos

Tatatoos The wackiest beauty products Ive heard of lately: Are these things crazy... or genius?

Okay, this one is probably not going to go down well with anyone who is not Eve.

Eve tattoos The wackiest beauty products Ive heard of lately: Are these things crazy... or genius?

Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe there IS an untapped market full of people just dying to place temporary tattoos on their… ta-tas. Yes, the brand is calling them ta-tas.

Here’s the money quote from the press release: “Ta*ta*toos display special sentiments (at eye level) and the naughty/nice statements say such sentiments worn across your bosom that could never be conveyed by words alone—simply wowing your loved one!”

Are you wowed? ‘Cause I am. And apparently there’s an entire range of phrases to choose from! Here’s just a selection, but there are so many more.

Tatatoos 2 The wackiest beauty products Ive heard of lately: Are these things crazy... or genius?

I don’t know if I’m even bothered so much by the concept as I am by the FONTS. The fonts! Is it 1995? I need to lie down.

South Beach Smoke Electronic Cigarettes

South Beach Smoke The wackiest beauty products Ive heard of lately: Are these things crazy... or genius?

The title of this press release was “Say no to smoker’s face—beauty puffs with SBS [South Beach Smoke].”

Um… WUT? So now we have beauty cigarettes?

Apparently these things are smokeless electronic cigarettes, and “a high-tech, non-flammable solution for obtaining nicotine without exposure to tobacco.” The release goes on to add that “they are not only smooth, they’re healthy… [because] when you take a puff… you’re simply exhaling pure water vapour.”

Really? Because the last time I checked, nicotine was a toxic chemical.

But then this got me thinking. If you absolutely must get your fix, then this is probably a better choice. Even though the words beauty and cigarette most definitely do NOT go together.

Poo-Pourri

Poo Pourri The wackiest beauty products Ive heard of lately: Are these things crazy... or genius?

This one is my personal fave—a few years back, when the release first came through, I swear we laughed so hard that we almost hyperventilated. My friend L. recently mentioned it had resurfaced and that she’d received a media kit AGAIN…  so clearly someone is buying this stuff.

What is it? Oh, just a bathroom spray deodorizer that you can have at the ready in case you have to go #2 at some public place, like the office or any bathroom that you’re sharing with friends or lovers. The press release says it best: “Spray the Loo Before No. 2 and No One Will Ever Have A Clue.”

Apparently it’s different from normal air fresheners in that you spray it FIRST, before you do your business—because it “creates a film on the toilet water surface that safely and effectively traps and diffuses embarrassing odours.”

So yeah. The name kills me. And if anyone ever caught you with it in your possession, you would just DIE of embarrassment.

But they could just be on to something, non?

Va j-j Visor

Va j j Visor The wackiest beauty products Ive heard of lately: Are these things crazy... or genius?

In case that spelling throws you off, that’s “va j-j” as in vajayjay. (And here I have to ask: is it 2004?) And yes, it’s a visor for that, um, area.

The press release enthusiastically shouts “Women’s First Protective Vaginal Shield!”

YES.

And what it is does is protect the sensitive “inner vulva area (inner labia, clitoris and vaginal opening)” for “safer hair removal and tanning protection.”

Because you know, most of us are spray-tanning our vulvas.

So that application I really don’t get… but like the Poo-Pourri, I do see an angle here for die-hard Brazilian waxers. Because that aspect of the procedure is just… yucky.

What do you think?

Have you heard of, or—eeks!—actually tried any of these wacky products?
Do you think they’re crazy or genius?
What’s the weirdest beauty product YOU’VE come across?

14 Comments

Sandra
Thursday, August 30/2012 at 9:29 am

I would take off the tag of that poo spray bottle and cary it with me and if anyone would I ask I would say it’s a body mist.

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Sneza
Thursday, August 30/2012 at 10:36 am

Thank you for these. So heh-heh-heh-able.

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Anne ♠ Dot and Lil
Thursday, August 30/2012 at 11:08 am

Bahahahaha I’m *dying* over here about the ta-tas!! Is there even anything different from a regular tattoo?? The Poo-Pourri guys are everywhere these days, I think they have a few large distributors, and I just saw them at the NYIGF, where they gave me a sample as I walked by.

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Allie
Thursday, August 30/2012 at 1:19 pm

My best friend is proud of her poo pourri and leaves it on the back of the toilet for all to see (and use)! I personally think it’s genius – and courteous ;)

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Laura
Thursday, August 30/2012 at 4:25 pm

hahaha I’m dying!

ummm It’s more embarrassing to carry the poo pourri than to… ya know… use the restroom like a normal person.

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Denise
Thursday, August 30/2012 at 4:30 pm

I certainly wish my office would invest in some of the poopourri. Matter of fact I’m going to send the link to the Operations Manager.

I actually use an electronic cig. Not this brand and I agree beauty and cig don’t go together. They’ve been around for years, though not marketed to the beauty market. Also I don’t use nicotine anymore just the vapor there are literally tons of flavors( I did use nicotine at first then gradually reduced it till none). I’d absolutely agree that the is infinitely less harmful than tobacco or analog as they’re called to electric smokers. Painless way to withdraw since you can completely control the nicotine level. I mostly use it when out and partaking of the drink. I’m scared my lessened brain power I might smoke a real one.

The other products are just rubbish..

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BeccaTheCyborg
Friday, August 31/2012 at 2:48 pm

I’ve never smoked, but e-cigs helped my parents quit when absolutely nothing else did, and they don’t stink, so I am 1005 in favour of them

The ta-ta tattoos are ridiculous.

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dana
Thursday, August 30/2012 at 7:13 pm

hilarious! i love the randomness

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NN
Thursday, August 30/2012 at 10:45 pm

I want the Poo-Pourri. It’s actually pretty useful/genius.
However, I LOL at the other stuff mentioned especially the vagina visor. WTF?!

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Melissa
Tuesday, September 4/2012 at 1:14 pm

Strangely enough, Aesop did a collaboration with APC where one of the end results was as post Poo-pourri type thing… http://www.aesop.com/uk/packs-and-gifts/home/post-poo-drops.html
There are no words.

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Lauren
Wednesday, September 5/2012 at 3:57 pm

I’ve used a product like poopurri called Just a Drop. It comes in a small bottle like eye drops and you put a couple of drops in the bowl before you go. It’s genius and Canadian.

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Lisa
Wednesday, September 5/2012 at 5:16 pm

I have Just a Drop too! I think it’s a great invention. We pack it when we go away on vacation It takes up no space in the luggage and it’s great to have on-hand, especially with a husband who has ummm… pungent digestion, shall we say!

Also- I would consider myself a die-hard Brazilian Waxer, as I’ve been getting waxed almost every month for the past 10 yrs, but I still wouldn’t use that visor-thingy. That’s just weird.

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Comment Avatar Gimped
Friday, September 21/2012 at 5:35 pm

OMG I can’t stop laughing over the Va j-j Visor!! “Because you know, most of us are spray-tanning our vulvas.”

You actually receive these products for testing? What other weirdness are you keeping from us?!?

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huw thomas
Tuesday, August 6/2013 at 6:08 am

Hiya Michelle – e-cigs are by far the best alternative to cigs. Nicotine is incredibly addictive and so these e cigs don’t handle that – rather they don’t have all the shit in them that kills you and the “vapour” that you blow out is just water so you can’t get rid of unwelcome prissy guests by chain smoking right next to them – eventually their hacking coughs are so bad they can’t drone on about how well their ugly fat son is doing as maitre’d at Reynolds Diner, Mookachooka, Iowa.

This product may well outshine one of yours – hair chalk or paint. Say you’re 15 and Mum says, no you can’t dye your hair, get pierced, pregnant, become even fatter or more of a dreary greedy moaner – now go away somewhere and do something with a phone that implies you have a network of friends. BUT, you have a $5 box of 4 hair chalks, so when you go to hunky Bob Johnny Lee’s virginity party at 3pm on Saturday, you draw coloured chalk stripes in your hair and sing Avril Lavigne as you load up your plate with ox ribs.

Now comes the humiliation, as I might be described as almost middle aged one might expect me to be a dowdy red faced bore who taks about golf while his wife swigs vodka’n’valium cocktails. However, I have just retired from work, for madness, although the official term is bipolar 1 and epilepsy. Gay and alone and always childish and up for a laugh I thought, f**k age, I only look about 35 [loud aughter] and want to return to the real me. I looked a total freak from about 14; boy george but much much better, except for the total lack of talent. I had to learn about make up myself and got very good, according to myself, I used to do my (girl) mates extreme make up and still do make up for friends at important events like their weddings. They never look like trannies – ever. Anyway, I’m having my hair blond tipped – like a surfer who clearly has never been surfing. I was many different types of blonde when younger and it does quite suit this slaggy od face. Whilst I say f**k age, I don’t want to look too ridiculous so will be subtle – please don’t worry. A platinum pompadour demi-wave looks super on the mentally challenged as it highlights their mad staring eyes and silvery drool-coated mouth.

So yesterday I daubed blobs of concealer on my hair – surfs up I laughed as the concealer sank into the hair turning it stiff and grey. As I frantically tried to rescue the situation, at least 15 concealers were applied plus various mixtures. I gave up in the end and sprayed fake brown hair on me head for about 15 minutes – can’t remember why I have such a product – and as well as giving me emphysema it sat in a thick powdery layer on top of my grey/ reddy/ pitch black gluey hair. I began to gingerly rub it in at which point it vanished. So I sprayed it thickly with old lady’s hairspray. Why didn’t i just wash it out? Instead I wore dark glasses amd a black baseball cap pulled down low (at 10.45pm) to go and get my ciggies, muesli and milk. I wonder if I should be put down?

ta-ta love!x

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