Some days I really, REALLY miss working on staff at a magazine. Because there is nobody to laugh with me when I receive the most ridiculous press releases about the most ridiculous products.
Honestly, it was one of my favourite pastimes from office life. You know, in between such activities as misting our faces every hour on the hour; being able to do full hair and makeup at any time thanks to a fully stocked beauty closet; attempting to solve Lainey Gossip blind items; and watching a 30-second version of Colin Farrell’s sex tape (widely circulated thanks to the lack of filters on our internet access). Good times! (Oh yeah, and we DID actually get work done as well. Lest I’ve given the, uh, wrong impression.)
But! Back to the subject of ridiculous beauty products. I’ve got four that are just too good not to share. At first you will laugh. And then… THEN you may wonder. Are these actually brilliant business ideas? You tell me.
Okay, this one is probably not going to go down well with anyone who is not Eve.
Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe there IS an untapped market full of people just dying to place temporary tattoos on their… ta-tas. Yes, the brand is calling them ta-tas.
Here’s the money quote from the press release: “Ta*ta*toos display special sentiments (at eye level) and the naughty/nice statements say such sentiments worn across your bosom that could never be conveyed by words alone—simply wowing your loved one!”
Are you wowed? ‘Cause I am. And apparently there’s an entire range of phrases to choose from! Here’s just a selection, but there are so many more.
I don’t know if I’m even bothered so much by the concept as I am by the FONTS. The fonts! Is it 1995? I need to lie down.
South Beach Smoke Electronic Cigarettes
The title of this press release was “Say no to smoker’s face—beauty puffs with SBS [South Beach Smoke].”
Um… WUT? So now we have beauty cigarettes?
Apparently these things are smokeless electronic cigarettes, and “a high-tech, non-flammable solution for obtaining nicotine without exposure to tobacco.” The release goes on to add that “they are not only smooth, they’re healthy… [because] when you take a puff… you’re simply exhaling pure water vapour.”
Really? Because the last time I checked, nicotine was a toxic chemical.
But then this got me thinking. If you absolutely must get your fix, then this is probably a better choice. Even though the words beauty and cigarette most definitely do NOT go together.
This one is my personal fave—a few years back, when the release first came through, I swear we laughed so hard that we almost hyperventilated. My friend L. recently mentioned it had resurfaced and that she’d received a media kit AGAIN… so clearly someone is buying this stuff.
What is it? Oh, just a bathroom spray deodorizer that you can have at the ready in case you have to go #2 at some public place, like the office or any bathroom that you’re sharing with friends or lovers. The press release says it best: “Spray the Loo Before No. 2 and No One Will Ever Have A Clue.”
Apparently it’s different from normal air fresheners in that you spray it FIRST, before you do your business—because it “creates a film on the toilet water surface that safely and effectively traps and diffuses embarrassing odours.”
So yeah. The name kills me. And if anyone ever caught you with it in your possession, you would just DIE of embarrassment.
But they could just be on to something, non?
Va j-j Visor
In case that spelling throws you off, that’s “va j-j” as in vajayjay. (And here I have to ask: is it 2004?) And yes, it’s a visor for that, um, area.
The press release enthusiastically shouts “Women’s First Protective Vaginal Shield!”
And what it is does is protect the sensitive “inner vulva area (inner labia, clitoris and vaginal opening)” for “safer hair removal and tanning protection.”
Because you know, most of us are spray-tanning our vulvas.
So that application I really don’t get… but like the Poo-Pourri, I do see an angle here for die-hard Brazilian waxers. Because that aspect of the procedure is just… yucky.
What do you think?
Have you heard of, or—eeks!—actually tried any of these wacky products?
Do you think they’re crazy or genius?
What’s the weirdest beauty product YOU’VE come across?